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Joke of the Day

"The fourth Harry Potter book marked a huge tone shift for the rest of the series. I mean, the fifth book was dead serious."

"The way I see it, the only thing my daughter's little ""boyfriend"" needs to know about me is I ain't afraid to go back to prison."

"All the good guys aren't taken; they're at the bar on Tuesday nights. Trust me. I'm a stranger on the internet."

"If your father is a Priest, could you call him Father dad? Shit thought, shit joke."

"If you give a mouse a cookie.. If you give a mouse a cookie.. Why are you giving a mouse any food? That's unsanitary."

"What do you call an eskimo peeping tom? Tom Tookalook. I'm sorry guys..."

"*at a funeral* haha. they should have provided SOUL food, lol. *nudges crying lady next to me* hey. they should have had SOUL food here haha"

"""Its a boy"", he shouted. ""It's a BOY! I still can't believe it! Tears rolling down his eyes, swearing never to come back to Thailand again."

"When ya leave Twitter it's called twittercide. What about Instagram? Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?"

"My friend's coming over, I've got to be careful... ...my house mates are crazy and he's allergic to nuts. *Yes indeed.*"