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Joke of the Day

"You could make a whole biopic about my life using only the infomercial footage of people unable to perform simple tasks for no reason."

"The secret of a long marriage is accepting the utter euphoria you would feel from strangling your spouse to death isn't worth life in jail."

"You wouldn't know her. She goes to a different Internet"

"Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So THAT'S where the clitoris is."

"Can I get an amen? Saw this today"

"The drag queens hairdo He calls it ""the Whitney"" It's black and dyed in the bath."

"Old folks use to poke me at weddings and say your next so... I started doing it back to them...at funerals. "

"Atheists don't seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone. God, or no god, those are good Brownies."

"""Is it in yet???"" -My ATM, mocking me."

"A woman dropped a $10 note next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' I turned it into wine. I bought wine."