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Joke of the Day

"Staring deeply into the abyss. Paralyzed by fear. Unable to move, let alone function. In short, yes, Pandora. I'm still listening."

"My resolution? To eat like a normal person, as opposed to my old habit of hate-fucking my mouth with a fork."

"I long for the good old days, when all the men wore suits and all the women wore dresses and they put cocaine in soda"

"What do you call it when you run out of seed? Endosperm."

"smart husband Wife: honey, can i hold henry? (their new baby) Husband: wait until he cries. Wife: why?? Husband: because i cant find him!!!!!!"

"Me: *cleans kitchen and does laundry Wife: looks like someone is getting lucky Me: 1 hour of uninterrupted Call of Duty? W: Yes Me: WOOHOO!"

"What rhymes with left and means steal? theft"

"Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled ""shoo"", but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler."

"It's a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter"

"15 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope, and no Jobs. Don't die Kevin Bacon!!"