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Joke of the Day

"Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win."

"(During sex) Pull my hair! No! Just the grey ones."

"Witch Logic: I have the magical ability to turn any item into a flying vehicle. I guess I'll use that broom."

"Like prison, most don't learn the life of crime till locked up. Like twitter, I learned to creep into houses and quietly eat their cheese."

"If I've learned one thing from Philip Seymour Hoffman's death, it's that someone needs to introduce Bieber to heroin."

"Shark Who Attacked Surfer: ""I Was Just Trying To Impress My Girlfriend"""

"Drunk me used to set a ""Mystery Alarm"" on my phone to pop up and confuse daytime sober me"

"I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologize to the man at the next urinal."

"*toy container falls off ship* *Lego bricks wash ashore on a beach full of barefoot swimmers* *president declares a national emergency*"

"Why did Jim Morrison cross the road? To break on through to the other side"