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Joke of the Day

"Today's the 3rd anniversary of my joining Twitter. Also the 3rd anniversary of the last time I spoke to my family or read a book."

"Why do elephants jump across rivers? So they won't step on the fish."

"My friend Herbert recently died from an overdose of weedkiller. The cause of death was determined to be Herbicide."

"she loves me [takes bite of hotdog] she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]"

"What's the difference between bacteria and rednecks? When looking at bacteria you can actually find some culture."

"It isn't until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would've been a better option."

"Why didn't Karl Marx like Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft."

"I had to stop watching An Inconvenient Truth after 20 minutes. Can't stand movies with that much gore."

"If you're happy and you know it, thank your ex."

"What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? I couldn't unscrew your mom."