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Joke of the Day

"My friend Herbert recently died from an overdose of weedkiller. The cause of death was determined to be Herbicide."

"My mother said fetch me a glass of water... My mother said ""fetch me a glass of water"" and I said ""no"" my mom said ""I bore you for nine months!"" So I said ""you bore me every time you speak!"""

"I met a French tart hiking in the Alps last year. Her name was Too Loose to Trek"

"judas: yo jesus: sup judas [hiding crocs behind back]: would u like if someone bought you crocs jesus: id rather be betrayed lmao judas: wow"

"I'm going to grab 'em by the pussy. Don't downvote me!! I'm being ""presidential"""

"What do a gay dolphin and a car that leaks oil have in common? Chances are, both have blown a seal"

"Plot idea: 97% of the world's scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies."

"I think I CAN wander the restaurant with my robe open and eat off of your plate, sir. This is Olive Garden. When you're here, you're family."

"Find everything OK, sir? Everything except happiness! You won't find that at Wal-Mart! We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined"

"I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black? *doctor sighs for like 3 mins* ""Sir, its an ultrasound"" *Seinfeld bass riff for days*"