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Joke of the Day

"1964:""Remember kids,"" a youth basketball coach says, ""there's no ""i"" in team."" ""Not yet,"" whispers 5th grade Steve Jobs, ""... not yet."""

"How do you turn a Fox into a Pit Bull? Marry her !"

"The rest of these people must be totally shitfaced. -me, driving in England"

"Go 3 days without your favorite thing. Then go 3 days without sleep. It turns out sleep is actually your favorite thing."

"If you rape a hooker/prostitute... is that actually shoplifting?"

"It's amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff."

"An ad at the zoo: Don't scare the ostriches! The floors are concrete!'"

"Passengers clapping when my plane lands makes me almost wish we had crashed."

"Boss: Lunch meeting, let's go. Me: Do I have to? Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol. Me: *moonwalks to the car*"

"Just changed my dating profile headline to: ""Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives"" ...crossing my fingers"