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Joke of the Day
"If you rape a hooker/prostitute... is that actually shoplifting?"
Next Joke
"I have an EpiPen I don't need it but I always keep it for sentimental value. A friend of mines gave it to me as he was dying, I don't know why but it seemed very important to him I had it."
"What is the American national day for vampires? Fangsgiving Day."
"Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say ""I'm affordable"" instead of ""I'm adorable"". Stop embarrassing me."
"I caught my girlfriend giving a midget a blowjob... ...I can't believe she'd stoop that low."
"I want to open a clock shop... The commercials will say: ""I sell some of the finest wrist timepieces around. Don't believe me? Just watch."""
"MUGGER: give me ur wallet ME: stand back i have mace MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze"
"What do you call a toilet seat that's missing the left side? Half-assed. (please forgive me, first time)"
"Sometimes when your sad, no one cares. Sometimes when you cry, no one sees. Sometimes when you leave no one notices. But fart just one time."
"Nothing scares people away like saying something positive on the internet."