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Joke of the Day

"Live Shark ""Can I buy a live shark here?"" ""Lady, what do you want with a live shark?"" ""A neighbor's cat has been eating my goldfish, and I want to teach him a lesson."""

"When everyone around you has their phone out... I guess you could say... you're in a phony world... I am so sorry guys."

"What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard"

"My neighbor won't give me a straightforward answer, he's always beating around the bush. Every time I ask why he just says ""fuck you Gerald, it's my bush and I'll masturbate here if I want to"""

"You know what I'd say to the victims of the Russia-Ukraine conflict? Crimea River"

"What do you call a fish with 27 eyes? Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish"

"[work email] Me: Can I meat the new guy? Boss: Meet? Okay, sure... Me: Great! *hides bag of steaks*"

"instead of taking anti-depressants I just think about how many different kinds of sandwiches there are"

"I want to start a customizable shoe store in Canada I'm gonna call it ""It's All About You"""

"Thanks for increasing the value of my asset over time. I really appreciate it."