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Joke of the Day

"Thinking about implanting a magnet in my chin so I can make a badass beard of iron filings and paper clips. More attractive, yes?"

"Which is Bernie Sanders' dominant hand? His left one"

"Joined our neighborhood watch program. There's 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. :("

"I opened a company.... for guys with erectile dysfunction because I felt sorry for them. Now they all want a bloody raise."

"What did Beethoven the dog shed in a moment of genius? Fur Elise"

"What do you call a hard working man from whose chauffeur is from seoul? Korea driven."

"You know why ancient Greek children were always getting lost from their parents? 'Cause they kept Roman around!"

"I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can't find me drinking in the closet."

"When I was a kid, we didn't have the internet. We had to go to the library to masturbate."

"Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria's secret around the house"