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Joke of the Day

"Relationship status: fell out of bed while reaching for a donut"

"i like to unfriend people on their birthdays, let's them know it's not all about them."

"Be on the lookout for a armed psychic midget who just robbed a bank and got away....the police now have a SMALL MEDIUM at LARGE!! ba dum dum"

"5 MINUTES & NO LIKES'? Well then... *deletes status*"

"He said he would call me at 5pm but didn't until 5.03pm. His lies will tear our relationship apart"

"What do you call an alligator in a vest? Investigator!"

"A girl asked me if I had AIDS... I said: ""Uh, I don't think you can get that from a goat."""

"A photo caption in the paper this am ""Bertha the ostrich take a break."" A break from what? Ostriching?"

"Something my friend said during our darkest hour of finals cramming I'm wearing my Seahawks jersey to the exam tomorrow. That way I'll pass even though we all know I shouldn't."

"Boss: Everyone is behind schedule and making excuses. Does everybody here think I'm an idiot Me: Don't ask. They swore me to secrecy."