42860

Joke of the Day

"I'm the kind of crazy you weren't warned about because no one knew this level existed."

"[dinner party] *removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this. *picks up host's dog* *leaves*"

"What is the difference between a priest and a pimple? A pimple waits until your 12 to come on your face"

"Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn't think he knew the word ""no."""

"What do you call a movie producer that gives you more detail than you really wanted? TMI Burton."

"Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list"

"Guy: so what u up to after this? Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley"

"Why do SCUBA divers fall backwards out of boats? Because if they fell forwards, they'd land in the boat."

"Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it's no biggie by breaking into a jog and don't stop until I'm in a new city with a new life."

"What do you milk you can't see? Pasteurized milk."