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Joke of the Day

"By the power vested in me by this vintage merlot, I now pronounce us husband and wife. I may now kiss the bottle."

"Your mama so stupid she thought Dick Cheney was a way to keep a man around."

"What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side."

"Best way to speed date: ""What's your favorite subreddit?"" ""What's a subreddit?"" ""Next."""

"I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn't even at work. He heard from home."

"When I see couples madly in love, I just assume they met yesterday."

"Did you hear about...? The dad who put gasoline in his daughter's sippy cup? Doctor's say she's going to be fine. She just had a little gas."

"date: [breaks 3 minute silence] ""you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me"" me: [trying to pick up my beer] ""i can do it"""

"We need to stop ISIS. Then we can call them WASWAS."

"The worst part about being a pedophile is trying to fit in."