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Joke of the Day

"I don't hate you, I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence."

"I heard Facebook is looking to start a program with insurance companies... It'll be called Friends With Benefits."

"TOP REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES: 1) Ted Cruz 2) A gun 3) Your racist uncle 4) A gun in a cowboy hat 5) Jeb Bush 6) Literally a turd"

"Donald Trump says he can ""protect the Constitution"" Do people really think he can stop Nic Cage?"

"Why did the pervert like to watch girls in their entrance hallways? He was a foyer."

"I told my boss I needed a raise to stay at work because there are three different companies showing interest in me... He asked me which companies and I told him, ""The gas, electric, and cable ones"""

"*grandma climbs into time machine* *shuts the door behind her* MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN"

"How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? One. One to bitch about it so a white knight will do it for her."

"A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That's like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot."

"Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?"