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Joke of the Day

"I am busy contemplating my future. Don't worry, this will only take a minute."

"*Interviewing for waiter position* I feel like I bring a lot to the table"

"White people are only thinking about one of 5 things at any given moment: 1. skiing 2. sadness 3. edamame 4. revenge 5. Greek yogurt."

"""Hey! I don't remember all those CGI space-dudes at the reception!""--George Lucas's wife re-watching their old wedding vids."

"April showers bring may flowers What do may flowers bring? Pilgrims. What do Pilgrims bring? Smallpox"

"There was a maniac in town earlier today threatening to splash passersby with acid. Thankfully, police managed to neutralise him."

"Wife: ""You need to watch A Series of Unfortunate Events"" Me: ""okay, I'll get out the wedding video"""

"Cow joke What's wrong with Bessie? She looks like she's in constant pain! She has mooootiple sclerosis"

"I now have a black girlfriend I severely burnt my hand on the stove"

"*pounds fist twice on chest* *kisses two fingers* *throws peace sign & nods head at DJ* I don't know what I just did, but we should leave."