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Joke of the Day

"There are a ton of nihilists protesting downtown today... They're part of the #NoLivesMatter movement."

"How much do pirates pay for corn? A buck an ear!"

"Several people dancing around a pen... What is the movie name? Independence Day"

"The only standards I have in life are about the quality of alcohol I consume, and even that gets sketchy after about 5 drinks."

"I felt like doing some service today, so I decided to donate some video games to the Rehabilitation Center for Meth Addicts. They seemed particularly fond of ""Need for Speed""."

"What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator"

"""class... raise your hand if you know what ""getting laid"" means"" *room of 4th graders is silent* *kid with heelys raises hand*"

"A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything."

"""Have they tried turning him off and then on again?"" - Me, suggesting a cure for Stephen Hawking."

"Jewish Joke About Warm Weather . Dude. It was so hot, I swear that I'd convert to Christianity for the Baptism."