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Joke of the Day

"The closest I've come to a threesome is watching my wife and the nurse roll their eyes at the same time while I'm getting weighed."

"The Patriots offered the Seahawks a chance to win the super bowl They said ""no thanks, we'll pass."""

"Roses are red, violets are blue... I killed your family. You're next."

"Oxygen and Potassium went on a date it went OK"

"At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don't know why they're giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit"

"I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist."

"What do you call a Chinese man with one foot? Taiwon Shou."

"A little boy says to his dad 'What is the difference between wealth and poverty?' And the dad says: 'Wealth is caviar, champagne and women. Poverty is hot pocket, beer and your mother!'"

"Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you're murdered your chalk outline won't just be the same old boring shit."

"I'm not one to brag about my Press exposure but yes, it's true what they're saying in my local paper. I am selling my couch"