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Joke of the Day

"Whenever I write out my alimony payment, I put cute things on the memo. Like ""for your next divorce"" or ""clothes that make you feel skinny""."

"My obsession with square roots has got me on cloud three."

"I've got 99 problems... <snap> 98 problems. <snap> 97 problems. <snap> 96 problems. <snap> BRB... I need to buy more mousetraps."

"Doctor: ""Hey, how are you?"" Patient: ""I am good"" Doctor: ""Ok. Next."""

"My doctor told me not to lift anything heavy! Now I have to sit down when I pee."

"*sticks switchblade into bag of NES cartridges, licks tip of knife, nods to boss* It's good."

"Are spambots as flirty with everyone else or do I actually have a legitimate shot?"

"What's black and white and red all over? A newspaper"

"What is a female genitals favorite slide to slide down at the playground? The fallopian tube!"

"[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I'm not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don't like you."