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Joke of the Day

"A week before Abraham Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland... A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe."

"GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle? BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I'm just a regular eagle actually"

"I don't think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her"

"*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return* ""Wait.. if you're here, then..."" *cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* ""UNCURL, FREDRICK!"""

"The entire UK walks into a bar. Half of the people decided to leave, so they all had to go."

"What ethnicity is Santa? North Poleish"

"Man walks into a rod He doesn't understand comedy"

"What's the first thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield. Its asshole."

"It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It's like you can't even enjoy your own joy."

"[Emergency Room] MRS. PINATA: Will my husband make it, doc? DOCTOR *slurping on sucker*: We'll do what we can but he's lost a lot of candy"