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Joke of the Day

"I set my Tinder location to Flint, Michigan. Those girls are probably hella thirsty..."

"To make sure everyone cries at my funeral, I'm requesting they play nothing but Creed and Nickleback through factory car speakers."

"Think of all the new jobs Trump will bring to America: Wall builders, death squad patrollers, bounty hunters and immigrant poachers."

"What do sex in a canoe and American beer have in common? They're both fucking close to water."

"Your mom doesn't have a nice bone in her body, except for mine."

"[after raking leaves into a pile on my lawn] ME: ah, perfect. these leaves are all tidy and there is nothing that can change this"

"*hands you baby* Here's your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn't come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it."

"Playing guitar is a sin... ...after all, Jesus told his disciples to ""fret not."""

"How's Terry Fox like Jack Layton? They both tried to run a country and died before finishing."

"Huh, this is a first Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before They must know"