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Joke of the Day

"*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*"

"Stupid joke I made up, 101: Where does a sandwich go when it gets good grades? Honor roll."

"What's the difference between a fridge and a vagina? A fridge doesn't fart when you take out the meat."

"How long does it take to cook a baby in a microwave? I dont know. I was too busy masturbating!"

"Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she brings down the bridge too"

"A man is throwing out a vacuum cleaner... Another man, walking by, asks, ""Is that thing no good?"" ""Well,"" says the first man, ""it doesn't suck."""

"I never reflect more on the terrible things I might have said or done than when you take longer than 10 minutes to text me back."

"I'm constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face."

"Text me once, shame on you. Text me twice, congratulations, we are now trapped in an infinite emotional prison."

"Its sad... Its sad that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence instead of his brilliant paintings of tunnels"