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Joke of the Day

"Just found out my wife has cooties. I'm headed to the clinic to get tested. So many emotions right now"""

"You may be able to drive but do you Avocado"

"How many violent revolutions does it take to change a lightbulb? Violent revolutions never change anything."

"pretty jealous of bears. they're like, ""well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I'm gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater"""

"I once went on a date with a girl called Simile... I don't know what I metaphor."

"If there's ever a flood disaster in the Middle East & they want to make a charity song I got a great title: Raindrops keep falling on Ahmed"

"If I'm ever kidnapped and forced at gunpoint to recite the ABC's without singing the song tell my family I loved them"

"Getting mail addressed to ""Current Resident"" is the sales equivalent of a guy group texting ""You free tonight?"" to every girl in his phone."

"A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building... He yells ""Don't do it! You have so much potential!"""

"A wife says to her husband ... ""I don't like you pushing me around all the time and talking behind my back"" Husband say ""Well honey what do you expect you're in a wheelchair"""