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Joke of the Day

"I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let 'em fight that shit out."

"I'm having problems with my cat, He told me i was a prima-donna, which makes no sense. She became famous in the 80's and I was born in '93. I am most certainly post-Madonna."

"Who is that walking up my driveway?! Anxiety in 3...2...1... [knock, knock] *sigh* ""WAIT A SECOND!"" *mumbles* ""I need to find pants."""

"Your momma is so dumb jokes your momma is so dumb she sits on the tv and watches the couch"

"The clock was hungry... So he went back four seconds"

"I accused the construction man for damaging my sidewalk. ""You are going to need concrete evidence if you want to prove me guilty"""

"What do whales do on dates? Netflix and Krill"

"What do girls and snowflakes have in common? They can't drive cars."

"Failed Hallmark card: I'm sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me. I thought you were going to take my taco."

"7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed? Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don't laugh.) Of course, sweetie."