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Joke of the Day

"What is the definition of delusional? A bloke finishes fucking his blow up doll, rolls over and says was that as good for you as it was for me?"

"Why doesn't an old man ever go down on his old wife? Ever opened a grilled-cheese sandwich?"

"My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I'm afraid it wants to murder me."

"How does an eyelash, so soft and fine, turn into a cheese-grater when it gets under your eyelid?"

"What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? Ab minor"

"Pretended to add my number into this obnoxious guy's phone. All I did was edit his mom's contact. Hope she likes dick pics and booty calls."

"What's the difference between a washing machine and a hippie slut? The washing machine doesn't still want you after you make it spun and put a load in it."

"Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth's water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher"

"Not to play the martyr, but I feel like the thousands of fruit flies in my kitchen should be more appreciative for all I have given them."

"Yo momma's so dumb... ...she voted for Trump."