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Joke of the Day

"Whenever someone starts checking their phone when I'm talking to them I like to regain their attention by combing their hair"

"I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won. I replied, ""Yeah, man, you're free."""

"whatever you do Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you are donating blood."

"So this ray of light broke bad. It was put in prism."

"Bread is just bread until you drop it on the floor. Then it's toast."

"Listen. You've been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don't know what you're ""expecting"""

"You ever lied so much on a resume, you're actually shocked that they gave you the job? I mean look at me, do I look like an astronaut?"

"I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and sh*t myself."

"All my CDs are in my ex's car. I'd get them, but I don't want to face her. Plus I don't have the equipment for diving to the bottom of the river."

"Things I learnt from Avatar: - Kill Smurfs while they're still young."