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Joke of the Day
"*watching news report of zombie apocalypse* Me: This is great. No work today!"
Next Joke
"Saw my mate wanking today oops that was meant to say 'Wayne King', damn auto correct."
"Since yesterday was the National Day of Prayer, today must be the National Day of Disappointment."
"The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd. They've left those kids a loan. EDIT: Woke up to find THIS :O"
"Her: 'Do I look, like, fat?' Brain: no,no,no,no Brain: Of course not. Brain: Say SOMETHING Mouth: 'Like a fat what?' Brain: Oh dear God"
"Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd."
"I wish dicks were more like technology So I could brag about how small mine is"
"I walked into a Chinese bar and ordered the heaviest drink. The bartender served me wonton soup."
"SCORE! Some girl on my friends list asked me to meet her for drinks tonight! All I need to do is hit the ATM and lose 70 lbs by 8 O'Clock."
"Why did the Jew vote for Obama? Because he promised change."