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Joke of the Day

"A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi are on a sinking ship. The pastor yells ""Save the children!"" The rabbi replies ""Pft, fuck the children!"" The priest says ""Do you think we have time?"""

"What do you call a group of cattle sent into orbit? The first herd shot round the world!"

"It's the eye of the tiger. It's the spleen of a sheep."

"Britain will be just fine... you always lose a few Pounds after a breakup."

"BREAKING NEWS: Overworked Janitor Sweeps the Nation."

"Open Mike Night sounded like a lot of fun... ... Until I realized I'd been invited to an autopsy"

"Taking a nap now. If you're tempted to wake me, please remember Jurassic Park. Just because we can do it, doesn't always mean we should."

"If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I'm very skilled at shooting aliens this way"

"[Calls Ex-Girlfriend] Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving."

"Mayweather goes 48-0 49-0 if you count his wife"