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Joke of the Day

"What do you call a group of cattle sent into orbit? The first herd shot round the world!"

"[on 1st date] Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before? Her: No, I'd love to Me: Same Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim"

"Who are you and how did you get in here? I'm a locksmith and I'm a locksmith."

"Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out, man!"

"The Punished Schoolboy by Major Bumsaw"

"My wife felt guilty I found her using a vibrator. She said she was denying me my pleasure. She's using the batteries from the remote"

"I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today Should have cooked it on aloha teperature"

"Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree? Only in case of fire? Fine. But pretty sure my cat won't like being set on fire."

"My dog never listens to me, and I think he might have a speech impediment... He keeps balking at me when I try to tell him to be quiet"

"How dare you accept my apology, I wasn't really apologizing, that was a trick to get you to say that nothing was my fault"