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Joke of the Day

"TIL that a baby can recognize its mother's heartbeat due to how much time they spent inside their mom I can also recognize your mom's heartbeat."

"""How do you talk to an angel"" Me: I don't know, Skype I guess? ""How do you hold her close to where you are"" Me: Aren't most angels men?"

"People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one's laughing now. Wait."

"I can't wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it."

"What did the fuse say when it blew out? Sorry, I couldn't resist."

"""Putin's Assassination Attempt On Bob Costas Fails, Matt Lauer Next Target"" (Faux Onion headline. Follow on twitter @gizopizo)"

"Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog."

"Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down."

"CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister."

"Barista: ""Welcome to Starbucks!"" Me: ""Large coffee please."" B: ""It's venti!"" Me: ""Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee."""