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Joke of the Day

"My friend and I applied for work at the new submarine factory. I don't know if we'll get jobs, but we'll see what surfaces."

"So there's this guy that does nothing but masturbate and watch Netflix all day... Oh wait... That's me."

"'I have trains ran on me all the time.' - Railroads. Or my ex-girlfriend."

"What did one bird say to another bird on New Year's? WOW THAT YEAR FLEW BY *slaps knee, then crawls back under rock*"

"""My fellow Americans, I have authorized action to degrade and destroy Adobe's ability to push updates to devices."" [Cheering in streets]"

"[Call from cell company] We can give you 15 gigs for $100 Me: Excellent! *Puts the band back together"

"God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!"

"My friend is an anorexic atheist. He thin."

"Why does the lead singer of Sublime hate tennis? Cause love is what I got"

"Why was the little mountain dying? Because he was terminally hill."