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Joke of the Day

"I only make good posts when I'm drunk... Today I celebrate 5 years sober"

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"I don't think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is."
"My daughter swam with dolphins for $2,000. I think she should've been able to have sex with them for that price."
"I show people I love them by not spending time with them. It's the best thing I can offer."
"When's sex not work? When it's for play."
"If a hipster falls in the middle of the woods and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Yeah, but you've probably never heard it before."
"My friend, who is a landscaper, was cheating on his wife and I told him to stop. He replied, ""it's hard man.. I got to much love for the hoes"""
"What do you say to encourage someone who is masturbating? You do you!"
"I got sick from the Mexican ice cream shop... I got helladiarrhia."
"what do you call a private, romantic rendezvous between two feet a podiatryst"