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Joke of the Day

"January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up? March 2: I am, good sir April 6: Would you kindly come over? May 9: K"

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"I am sorry I wasn't being completely honest when I said I was normal."
"Instructions: 1. Watch every breath someone takes 2. Watch every move someone makes 3. Watch every bond someone breaks 4. Log off Facebook"
"""Haha, Imagine Dragons. What a dumb band name."" -Neutral Milk Hotel fans"
"What do hemophiliacs and virgins have in common? One prick...and it's all over."
"Wife texts husband 'Windows frozen', husband texts wife 'try bucket of warm water', wife texts husband 'computer not working at all now'"
"I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i'm pretty sure they're hallucinations."
"Nintendo should come out with a sequel to X and Y... It'll be called ""The Extra Chromosome"""
"[blood bank] Doc inserts needle [turns around] YOU AGAIN! [vampire sucking on tube like straw] GO ON SCOOT [chases him from room with broom]"
"Why do artists die early in life? Too many strokes."