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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend is (-100). She's definitely a 10, but she's imaginary."

"I was having trouble settling into my new house, so I went to a therapist He said I have an apartment complex"

"if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know"

"I was laying on my SO's chest and commented on how comfortable it was... And she hits me with a ""It's like it's MAMMorey foam!"" line. I was quite impressed."

"""Nutella causes cancer"" says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. ""Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them."""

"Cry if you missed someone. Try to shoot them again before they leave."

"What's a Henway? Oh, you know. About 5 pounds. I'll show myself the door now."

"""Read 'em and weep"" I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent's handwritten love letters from WWII."

"[alien taking notes] Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee."

"Have you heard of Bill Cosby's new T.V. show? It's called, ""Women say the Dardest things."" He denies rape charges for thirty minutes."