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Joke of the Day

"I use to be addicted to soap I'm clean now"

"Why was the centipede dropped from the insect football team ? He took too long to put his boots on !"

"What do epidemiologists do? How about kinesiologists? Study epidemies....and kinesies."

"Don't you hate it when someone starts a sentence but they..."

"Been rubbing this thing on my carpet for 2 hours and still nothing. How the hell do you recharge a smart car?"

"This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, ""Can a 9 date an 8?"""

"Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don't remember buying any of this stuff. Or having an Asian baby."

"Me: *puts six steaks on the grill* Wife: Don't you think that's too much? It's just us and the kids. Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?"

"What do you call 3 agnostics sitting at a bar? I don't know."

"[train] GUY: Please take my seat. ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you. GUY: How far along are you? ME: 5 stops."