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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend told me to get something to make her look sexy for her birthday. So I bought myself a 12 pack."

"Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead."

"You're invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won't be any food."

"BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I'm gonna have you take a typing test. LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit"

"Never pretend to be something you're not. Unless you're pretending to be sober, in which case that's probably a good idea. Keep doing that."

"Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer. Rascals! #txt"

"Why is Santa always jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live."

"Where do men with erectile dysfunction go to find a job? Ubisoft"

"Give a Nigerian a fish he'll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince and start e-mailing people."

"Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise... Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio."