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Joke of the Day

"[coming home from cinema] Don't let that ninja film go to your head again. *roundhouse kicks the light switch on* ""I won't"""

"Today was so terrible, I thought Steven Seagal was in it."

"So I called the rape helpline... ... they said they only help victims"

"My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife to him as the lesser of two evils."

"That question from your wife for which either answer is wrong Apparently the third answer ""it's not the dress"" isn't right either."

"Someone just used the phrase, 'that's a big load', on this conference call, and suddenly I'm paying attention."

"Why did the atheist cannibal stop eating Christians? Because they didn't agree with him."

"How many women does it take to park a car? A man."

"The doctor told me I should stop masturbating today. So I look him straight in the eye and asked him ""why?"". And then he said something about not being able to work in these conditions."

"[Interrupts the wedding vows] it's open bar right?"