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Joke of the Day

"I bought my wife a pair of shoes and a dildo. If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself. (Shamelessly stolen from Craig Ferguson)"

"Daddy daddy, why do I keep walking in circles? Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."

"Sometimes I call meteors hot space potatoes and everyone just keeps ignoring me"

"Everyone talks about roses on a piano... I just want tulips on my organ."

"Would you like some headphones? The air hostess said to me, 'Of course I would! Oh and how did you know my name was Phones?'"

"In case I ever doubted my status as an American, being able to buy girl scout cookies on my way out of the gym was a heady reminder."

"Why did the hoover not make the football team? Because he sucked With love and sexy things from Jaques x"

"(Works better spoken) The seaman was asked what he was doing when he got out. He said when he got discharged he'd be buried in pussy."

"It must've been so fun to live in ancient Egypt because everything you wrote was an emoji"

"What Did Cinderella Say When She Got To The Ball? Cough, gag, choke, etc..."