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Joke of the Day

"[wife in labor] *i press play on cassette {Ice Cube - You Can Do It} Wife:WHAT THE HELL Me: sorry hun *ff to {SaltNPeppa - Push It}"

"[first day of work as a 911 operator] ""Hello, 911"" Hi someone's trying to break into my house ""holy shit call 911"""

"What did the bird say after its cage fell apart? Cheap cheap!"

"Why was Stalin literally worse than Hitler? Because Hitler at least wrote his own books"

"What's the Syrian girl doing on the swing? Pissing off the sniper"

"I eat when I'm sad and I'm sad because I'm fat."

"""Does this hurt?"" ""YES!"" ""What about this?"" ""OW!"" *Dr. writes notes* ""Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates."""

"What killed the Aztec? A broken heart."

"I have a pen..... I have a apple :D"

"Why do midgets laugh when they play soccer? 'Cause the grass tickles their balls when they run"