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Joke of the Day

"Whats the difference between illegal and unlawful? One is against the law and the other is a sick bird"

"I want a job cleaning mirrors.... It's just something I could really see myself doing."

"My girlfriend said she was finishing with me because of my obssession with flowers. I said ""Where's all this stemming from, petal?"""

"I always post things in the right sub. I guess you could say I do it subconsciously."

"Wife has 5 hours to live Doctor: I am sorry, your wife is with us for only 5 more hours. Husband: No need to be sorry. I have survived 20 years of marriage.. what's 5 more hours!"

"And we're still calling it auto ""correct"" because...."

"What do you call Hitler on his birthday? Hightler"

"How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? ""That's not funny."""

"What do cows wear when they're vacationing in Hawaii? Moo moos"

"WIFE: How's the ventriloquism going? ME: Not good. WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book. ME: I don't think he read it."