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Joke of the Day

"Thanks for declaring on Facebook that you've found ""true love."" I look forward to watching it implode in real time."

"What do you say when you see two cleaning ladies making out in public? Get a broom."

"[at aquarium] That's a lot of octopussys to have in a tank. ""Octopi"" Oh sorry...that's a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank."

"Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight *checks phone* Jesus: WHO IN DAD'S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!"" *judas slyly slips phone back in robe*"

"I'm not saying that Asians are bad drivers... But I'm beginning to think that Pearl Harbor was an accident."

"How did the Jewish terrorist die? Hebrew up."

"Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance . Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair . Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage . Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy"

"A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn't want to hurt people from Florida?"

"Twitter is the witness protection program from family on Facebook."

"I hate it when... people refer to themselves as animal containers. and yes I'm a hippo crate."