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Joke of the Day
"If there's two things I've learned in life It's that I'm awful at counting."
Next Joke
"In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word - ""Yes Dear."""
"My voicemail greeting: Hey, it's me. Please hang up and text me."
"*Opening presents 1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow! 2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!"
"[Spanish w/ translation] Cual es es la risa mas picante? Ahi Ahi Ahi Translation: What is the spiciest laugh? Pepper pepper pepper"
"Why does Marshawn Lynch sit in the back at the Kid's Choice awards? He's just there so he won't get slimed."
"How do you take your coffee? **Barista:** How do you take your coffee? **Customer:** Ferguson Police **Barista:** Huh? **Customer:** Black, two shots."
"Standing in disbelief at an automated door that isn't opening for me is the closest I'll ever feel to having been born rich."
"Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to....unless you're in prison."
"Did you know having children is hereditary? If your parents don't have them, neither will you."