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Joke of the Day

"A friend was telling me about quantum mechanics and I told her how I hate it when the safety seal on ketchup leaves that clear film behind."

"How do you stop a Mexican tank? You shoot the people pushing it."

"A dark sense of humour is like food. Not everyone has it."

"""Spring is in the air"" I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head."

"This week's weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs."

"Son: Dad, am I adopted? Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you."

"If there's a pistachio that's difficult to open, I'll just move right on to another because life is short and so is my god damn temper"

"You guys know how the toothbrush was invented in the south? Because if it was invented in the north, it would've been called a teethbrush."

"Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine's candy to show up just as we're all giving up on New Year resolutions."

"TIL that North Korea is one of few countries where women Truly have equal rights to men. That is that they both equally don't have any."