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Joke of the Day

"England football manager Roy Hodgson has just announced that he's won the competition for ""Scotland's favourite Englishman."""

"Sometimes I think my wife's a bit shallow I wouldn't want the dog digging her up"

"You Must Be From Ireland Because everytime I see you my penis be Dublin."

"I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too."

"Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say ""We ride together, we Die together."""

"Never mind trying to scare me about going to hell religious people, it won't work. I was married for 6 years."

"Knock knock Who's there Olivia Olivia who? Olivia, so let me in my bloody house!"

"In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am."

"A man comes home from work and says to his wife, ""Honey, I'm thinking about ordering a strap-on dildo from Amazon..."" ""What do you think? Is that something you could get behind?"""

"*walks up to microphone during wedding reception* *taps on mic; everyone smiles* ""Anyone that doesn't want their cake, pass it to me please"""