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Joke of the Day

"Doctor, how long do I have left to live? - Ten. - Ten what? - Nine."

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"My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password."
"ENTRY-LEVEL JOB OPENING: Minimum 3 years exp required. Must speak 4 languages, have 2 Olympic medals & a reference letter from Barack Obama."
"When life hands you melons, make sure you squeeze them fast before you get slapped."
"My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation. The kids aren't to keen, but my wife and I just don't want them anymore."
"If i had a dollar for everytime someone called me a racist black people would probably come rob me."
"Knock, knock. Who's there? Owls. Owls who? Yes. Yes they do."
"Skydiving without a parachute is a once in a lifetime experience."
"Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist. I regretted it literally one minute later."
"My Iguana has been having trouble getting enough blood into his weenus; he has areptile dysfunction."