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Joke of the Day

"Teen: Your brows are on fleek! Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek. Teen: Thanks! Me: God damn it."

"How did Kikkoman soy sauce move production to China? They outsauced it."

"Don't be offended if someone doesn't reply to your text. Their phone is probably just ""on silent"" or ""right in front of their lying face."""

"When your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like your brother in law Steve"

"In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I'm fine now."

"What does a pediatrist do when you ask them which body part they find most interesting? They admit de feet."

"Why did the black man walk backwards? I have no idea, Your Honor, but he was coming right at me and I felt my life was at risk."

"I spilled spot eraser on my dog... Now he's gone."

"I'm about to have sex with my second cousin. Hopefully she's as good as the first one."

"You literally misuse the word ""literally"" every time you say it. And I figuratively want to punch you in the face. Literally."