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Joke of the Day

"You literally misuse the word ""literally"" every time you say it. And I figuratively want to punch you in the face. Literally."

"My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax."

"I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there."

"The awkward moment when Lady Gaga has no idea what to wear for halloween."

"Girls be having unprotected sex but then have the best case for their iPhone. They care more about their phone than their pussy"

"What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs"

"Football is so cute it's like some guys are like we're gonna get you and one guys like no no no no"

"I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake"

"""My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine..."" And then? ""Cheese."" Mmmm and then? ""You close the door from outside."""

"What does a programmer have during sex? An ||gasm."