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Joke of the Day

"How is American beer like having sex in a canoe? Because it's fucking close to water."

"I'm launching an app that reads out nihilist quotes. It's aimed at a Nietzsche market"

"A little boy has diarrhea... Mom: What the hell do you need Viagra for? Boy: Isn't that what you give to Dad when his shit doesn't get hard?"

"What did Victoria say to Vancouver? I'll BC-ing you later."

"Why'd the band teacher go to jai? Because he fingered A-minor"

"She has a rye sense of humor & great buns. I'm her hero, although I don't have much dough. I can't wheat to see her! I'm in loaf."

"My previous relationship was like a presidential term. It aged me prematurely and my replacement was elected two months before I was officially out of office!"

"*Chooses paper towels instead of the hand dryer right as a tree walks into the bathroom*"

"[with my pet bird at the park] Hot girl: omg ur duck is so cute Me: *covering mr quackers ears* he's a mallard u idiot get away from me"

"I dance like people wish they weren't watching."