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Joke of the Day

"Now that I'm playing Pokemon Go I don't need a girlfriend anymore... The servers go down on me all the time."

"as you wonder ""where the weed at?"" a worm hole opens up in front of you and through the portal an alien arm reaches out to pass you a blunt"

"[gf falls asleep during a movie] ME: aw [i get a blanket] ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum's riddles"

"I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner... ...all it was doing was gathering dust."

"A hippie goes to the abortion clinic. The doctor says: ""If you want it organic, just go sit on a cactus."""

"There are two kinds of people in this world... People who can extrapolate on incomplete information...."

"Who died and left the US in charge? Hitler."

"My husband and I are fighting. There's about a 50 50 chance he knows."

"How to build a nested list 1) Start like this A) Then do this Bird: I live here now 2) Make sure to get the bird out Bird: NO"

"I've just invented a new word. plagiarism"