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Joke of the Day

"[gf falls asleep during a movie] ME: aw [i get a blanket] ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum's riddles"

"I hate using a plunger... they work the shit out of me."

"I wouldn't say Christmas gnomes are small. But they used to be lumberjacks on a mushroom farm!"

"A man walks into a doctors office A man walks into a doctors office and says Man: ""Doctor, Doctor! I have 5 penises!!"" Doctor: ""That's amazing! How do your pants fit?!"" Man: ""Like a glove."""

"""Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?"" ""I stayed in"" ""Oh"""

"I want this Twitter account to outlive me by 100 years. I want my grandchildren to read my Tweets and say, ""Holy fuck. She was so weird."""

"A boy asks his mom: ""Why is my skin so much darker than yours and Dad's?"" ... she says: ""That was a pretty wild orgy, be glad you don't bark"""

"How many zen buddists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One and not one."

"A german tourist. A german tourist arrives at Warsaw airport. The immigration office asks: 'Occupation?''. The german responds: 'No, just holiday''"

"They don't have blood banks in England ... ... but they do have a liver pool."