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Joke of the Day

"My boss said to ""treat customers like you treat your mother"", so I haven't answered my phone in a month and I have 74 unheard voicemails."

"My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog. She was furious, she said ""what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"""

"There once was ... There once was a fellow named Wes, who tried to make his comments the best, although sometimes he missed, he never expected to get dissed, but some redditors downvoted nonetheless."

"[at a wedding] *bridesmaids walk to stage* 5 year old: Does he get to pick?"

"This cop is driving so fast it's like he's trying to keep up with me"

"Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it's 35 but just looks 25."

"Ted Cruz thinks: 1. Presidents should pray every day 2. More prayers the better 3. Muslims pray 5x day 4. Ted Cruz wants a Muslim president."

"Why did the snowman pull down his pants? Because he saw the snowblower coming"

"I pulled a real douchie move this morning... your mom's vagina has never been happier."

"My Siamese twin told me a hilarious joke earlier. I almost pissed himself"